Jokes

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arjun
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Jokes

Post by arjun » 26 Jan 2007

Om Shanti. Here is a joke sent to me by one of my friends through email which I wish to share with all of you.
If others also keep contributing jokes to this thread, then it would be nice.
Regards,
OGS,
Arjun
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*A Chinese walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven
Spielberg. As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph. *

*Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, "You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Habour, get outta here." *

*The astonished Chinese man replied, "It was not the Chinese who bombed your PearlHarbour, it was the Japanese". *

*"Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg. *

*In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says, "You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship." *

*Shocked, Spielberg replies, "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me." *

*The Chinese replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same.

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Post by mr green » 26 Jan 2007

That is so bad it made me smile :lol:

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Post by arjun » 27 Jan 2007

Tail Piece from the January Edition of 'Purity' published by BKs.

A highway police patrol pulled over a driver and told him that because he was wearing his seat belt, he had just won Rs.1 lakh in a safety competition.

"What are you going to do with the money?" the Officer asked.

"I guess I'll go to driving school and get my licence," the man answered.

"Don't listen to him," said the woman in the passenger seat. "He tries to be witty when he's drunk."

This woke up the guy in the back seat, who saw the cop and said, "I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car."

Then there was a knock from the trunk and a voice asked, "Are we across the border yet?"
:D :lol: :D

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Zen

Post by proy » 29 Jan 2007

The old Zen Koan goes, "If a tree falls down in the forest and there is no-one there to hear it, does it still make a sound?"

The modern sexist version goes, " If a man says something and there is no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong?"

The Latin joke goes -
A woman hears an item on the radio news. It is a story about a wife killing her husband with a pair of scissors. When her own husband comes home she repeats the story and says, "It was terrible wasn't it?". He says, "Yes it was terrible but I read the news item in the newspaper. She killed him with a knife, it was not scissors, you are wrong there." The wife got angry and said, "No, YOU are wrong, it was scissors!". They started to argue and fight, the man chasing the woman around the room shouting, "It was a knife!", and the wife shouting back, "No, no, it was scissors!" They chased each other out of the house and down to the beach. The husband caught up with the wife and pushed her into the sea. She was still shouting, "Scissors, scissors!" The husband held his wife's head under the water and tried to drown her. She held up her hand out of the water with two fingers extended in what the husband thought was the "Peace Sign". He thought, "At last she has given in." Then he realised that she was opening and closing her two fingers, and the sign she was making meant, "Scissors!".

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news.
My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible.
Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun..'

AND THE BEST FOR LAST

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth,
sits down, but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!"

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks.
"I've somethin' to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I am here to be telling ya, Brenda."
There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I am sorry.
Finally, she looked up at Tim.
"How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and
drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."

Driving down a back road in Texas, a cowboy comes upon a sign in front of a restaurant which read: Happy Hour Special ~ LOBSTER TAIL & BEER. "Lord Almighty", he says to himself, "my three favorite things!!"

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odd humour

Post by amaranthine » 29 Jan 2007

disturbing cartoon :shock:

http://www.thatvideosite.com/video/1616

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i hope Windows Vista is promoted better than this

Post by amaranthine » 29 Jan 2007

windows 386 promo

Gets interesting after 7 minutes.

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More non-PC Jokes

Post by proy » 30 Jan 2007

Eight people get shipwrecked on a deserted island.
Two Englishmen.
Two Irishmen.
Two Welshmen and
Two Scotsmen.
After two years the two Scotsmen are up in the hills distilling Whisky.
The two Welshmen have moved into a cave with good sound acoustics and have started a choir.
The two Irishmen are still fighting on the beach, and,
The two Englishmen are still waiting to be formally introduced.

I am getting a bit fat so I walk to church now instead of taking the car.
Last Sunday I was pleased to see that they had a diet option for Holy Communion.
It was a special communion wafer called, "I cannot believe its not Jesus".

I don't know if people will understand this. Here we have a spread for your bread that is called, "I cannot believe its not butter." Do you have that in other parts of the world?

Two caterpillars were sitting on a leaf.
They watched a butterfly fly over them.
One said to the other, "You will never get me up in one of those things!"

It is not true that Scottish people are mean with money, but it is a matter of national pride that copper wire was invented by two Scotsmen.
They happened to be fighting over a penny at the time that's all.

My Father dropped a penny once.
It hit him on the back of his head as he bent down to pick it up.

A man went to a doctor and said, "Doctor, I think I am a moth."
The doctor said, "Well, you should really see a psychiatrist."
The man said, "Its funny you should say that, I was just on my way to see a psychiatrist when I saw the light was on in your office."

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Post by bansy » 30 Jan 2007

Arjunbhai, now you've got me into the jokealitus syndrome, a deep deep sanskar. :P

Maybe we should make each member to post at least one joke per week, to keep it healthy....in which case here's my years worth (or not ):


SO FOR THOSE WHO TAKE LIFE TOO SERIOUSLY

1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

2. A day without sunshine is like, night.

3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

4. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

7. I feel like I am diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

8. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

9. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

10. Honk if you love peace and quiet.

11. Remember half the people you know are below average.

12. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?

13. Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool.

14. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

15. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

16. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

17. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

18. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

19. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

20. I intend to live forever - so far so good.

21. Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.

22. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

23. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving is not for you.

24. Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

25. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

26. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

27. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.

28. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

29. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

30. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

31. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

32. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks

33. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

34. No one is listening until you make a mistake.

35. Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.

36. The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it.

37. The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.

38. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.

39. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

40. To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

41. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

42. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

43. Two wrongs are only the beginning.

44. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

45. The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.

46. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

47. Change is inevitable except from vending machines.

48. Get a new car for you spouse - it'll be a great trade!

49. Plan to be spontaneous -- tomorrow.

50. Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

51. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

52. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...

53. Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.

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arjun
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Post by arjun » 30 Jan 2007

Sister Bansy wrote:99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
I liked this one, but I think you won't get any legal assistance if the 99 percent filed a case against you. :lol: :lol:

Regards,
OGS,
Arjun

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Cow politics

Post by amaranthine » 30 Jan 2007

FEUDALISM:
You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

PURE SOCIALISM:
You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.

BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM:
You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you should need.

FASCISM:
You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

PURE COMMUNISM:
You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

RUSSIAN COMMUNISM:
You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

DICTATORSHIP:
You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY:
You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.

MILITARISM:
You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

PURE DEMOCRACY:
You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY:
You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

AMERICAN DEMOCRACY:
The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate".

BRITISH DEMOCRACY:
You have two cows. You feed them sheeps' brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.

BUREAUCRACY:
You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

ANARCHY:
You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to kill you and take the cows.

CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

HONG KONG CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the fung shui is bad.

ENVIRONMENTALISM:
You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.

FEMINISM:
You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf.

TOTALITARIANISM:
You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.

POLITICAL CORRECTNESS:
You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallo-centric, war-mongering,intolerant past) two differently-aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.

COUNTER CULTURE:
Wow, dude, there's like... these two cows, man. You got to have some of this milk.

SURREALISM:
You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

JAPANESE DEMOCRACY:
You have two cows. You give the milk to gangsters so they don't ask any awkward questions about who you're giving the milk to.

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Advanced Yoga Practise

Post by fluffy bunny » 01 Feb 2007

There are two basic types of Yoga ...

One requires years of practice, much patience, and endless discipline
  • • Yoga from India
Image

And then there is;
  • • Irish Yoga
Image

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Post by amaranthine » 01 Feb 2007

i live opposite an irish pub and from what i can make out it too requires years of dedication.

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Post by arjun » 01 Feb 2007

ex- wrote:And then there is;

• Irish Yoga
That Irish Gentleman also seems to be doing something similar to one of the Asanas (Chakrasan to be specific) but with the help of a chair. :D :lol: :D

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Post by amaranthine » 02 Feb 2007

i rediscovered an old word file from a few years back which i thought i should share, it contains many pictures so i cannot post it here. i've put it in the downloads sections in the anonymous dropbox, its called antiterror_signs.

http://www.brahmakumaris.info/indexw.html

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Modern Heights

Post by arjun » 04 Feb 2007

From an email sent to me by a friend:

Modern Heights

1. What is height of Fashion?

A. Dhoti with a zip .


**************


2. What is height of Secrecy?

A. Offering blank visiting cards.


**************

3. What is height of Active laziness?

A. Asking for a lift to house while on a morning walk.



**************


4. What is height of Craziness?

A. Getting a blank paper Xeroxed.


**************

5. What is height of Forgetfulness?

A. Seeing the mirror and trying to recollect when you saw him / her last.


**************

6. What is height of Stupidity?

A. A man looking through a keyhole of a glass door.


**************

7. What is height of Honesty?

A. A pregnant woman taking one and a half ticket.


**************

8. What is height of Suicide?

A. A dwarf jumping from the footpath on the road.



**************


9. What is height of De-hydration?

A. A cow giving milk powder.



**************

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