Jokes

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proy
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Gasoline

Post by proy » 06 Feb 2007

This is a message I received today from a friend. "Cheer up brother! If BK did not work for you, it might pay to turn Catholic!"

CATHOLIC GASOLINE

Sister Mary, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a gas station was just a block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been lent out, but she could wait until it was returned.

Since the nun was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient.

Always resourceful, she carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gas, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two men watched from across the street. One of the them turned to the other and said, "If it starts, I am turning Catholic."

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Post by arjun » 08 Feb 2007

A joke from the January Edition of Purity magazine published by the BKs:

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on the porch.

"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?" :o

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a crate of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise." :wink:

"That's amazing," :shock: the woman said. "How old are you?" :?:

"Twenty six," he said.
:D

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Post by arjun » 11 Feb 2007

I heard this joke on TV:

A science teacher was teaching about light in a classroom. He lighted a candle :idea: and asked the students, "Can you tell me where did the light come from :?:"

The students could not answer :roll: . But one naughty boy :wink: came near the teacher and blew off the candle and asked the teacher, "Can you tell me where did the light go :?:"


:D :lol: :D

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proy
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Cowboys and Yuppies

Post by proy » 15 Feb 2007

A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.

He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says the cowboy.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows ... this is a herd of sheep.

Now give me back my dog.

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Post by bansy » 15 Feb 2007

This is a story of 4 bodyconsious souls named : Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody.

An important job was to be done and Everybody was sure Somebody had done it. Anybody could have done it but Nobody did it.
Somebody got angry about it because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realised that Everybody did not do it.
It all ended up with Everybody blaming Somebody. Nobody did that Anybody could have done.

Err ... in Hindi please ? :P

Another soul joke :
What do you call an average lonely Korean fish spirit?
A so-so sole Seoul sole soul.

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Post by abrahma kumar » 15 Feb 2007

Having had some interactions with Koreans of the Southern variety I learnt that the unified kingdom was once long ago known as Cho Sun. So Another poor soul joke:

What do you call an average captured lonely Korean fish spirit?
An oh so specially chosun so-so sole Seoul sole soul.

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Post by arjun » 19 Feb 2007

A joke from the January Edition of Purity magazine published by the BKs:

A woman, searching for a job, inquired about the benefits.

The Personnel Manager informed her they had group health and life insurance, but the costs were deducted from the employee's pay. :D

She said, "My last employer had full health coverage as well as five years salary for life insurance and a month's sick leave AND they paid the full premiums." :lol:

"I cannot help but asking madam why you would leave a job with such benefits," the interviewer replied. :o

The woman shrugged her shoulders and said, "The company went bankrupt." :wink:

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Post by bansy » 21 Feb 2007

Sorry folks for the latest arrival in the in-box.... :oops:

1) If you can only go left or right, and you know that left is not right, then by a process of elimination, right must be right because it's the only way left.

2) News is coming in of a group of sticky-fingered thieves who apparently get a buzz out of breaking into a bee-keeper's yard and stealing the honey. Police are organizing a sting operation to catch them as they make a bee-line for their next target. It is hoped they will learn to behive themselves, or else they'll end up spending a night in the cells.

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Post by arjun » 08 Mar 2007

A joke from the February Edition of Purity magazine published by the BKs:

"Just tell me," a journalist asked the Minister, "is it possible to remain in politics and be honest?" :)

"Let us first agree on a definition of honesty,"
returned the Minister.
:D

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Post by bansy » 12 Mar 2007

Someone sent this to me for all you Yogi nerds :lol: Can you hear the groans in the Subtle Region ? :oops:


The Story of the Ramayana by a SOFTWARE EXPERT
------------------------

LAN, LAN ago, in the SYSTEM of I/O-dhya(Ayodhyaa), here ruled a PROCESSOR named DOS-rat (dasrath).

Once he EXECUTED a great sacrifice PROGRAM after which his queens gave an OUTPUT of four SUNs-- Ram, LSIman, BUG-rath and SED-rughana.

Ram the eldest was a MICROCHIP with excellent MEMORY.
His brothers, however, were only PERIPHERAL ICs. Once when Ram was only 16MB, he married princess 'C'ta. 12 years passed and DOS-rat decided to INSTAL Ram as his successor. However, Queen CIE/CAE (Kayegayee), who was once offered a boon by DOS-rat for a life saving HELP COMMAND, took this opportunity at the instigation of her BIOSed maid a real plotter, and insisted that her son Bug-rat be INSTALLED and that Ram be BOOTED to the forest for 14 years. At this cruel and unexpected demand, a SURGE passed through DOS-rat and he collapsed, power-less.

Ram agreed to LOG INTO forest and 'C'ta insisted to LOGIN with him. LSI-man was also resolved on LOGGING IN with his brother. The forest was the dwelling of SPARC-nakha(surpanakha), the TRANSISTOR of RAW-van, PROCESSOR of LAN-ka.

Attracted by Ram's stature, she proposed that he marry her. Ram, politely declined. Perceiving 'C'ta to be the SOURCE CODE of her distress, she hastened to kill her. Weeping, SPARC-nakha fled to LAN-ka, where RAW-van, moved by TRANSISTOR's plight, approached his uncle MAR-icha.

MAR-icha REPROGRAMED himself into the form of a golden stag and drew Ram deep into the forest. Finally, tired of chase, Ram shot the deer, who, with his last breathe, cried out desperately for LSI-man in Ram's voice.

Fooled by this VIRTUAL Ram SOUND, 'C'ta urged LSI-man to his brother's aid. Catching the opportunity, RAW-van DELINKED 'C'ta from her LIBRARY and changed her ROOT DIRECTORY to LAN-ka. Ram and LSI-man started SEARCHING for the missing 'C'ta all over he forest. They made friendship with the forest SYSTEM ADMINISTRATOR SU-greev and his powerful co-processor Ha-NEUMAN.

SU-greev agreed to help Ram. SU-greev ordered his PROGRAMMERS to use powerful 'SEARCH' techniques to FIND the missing 'C'ta. His PROGRAMMERS SEARCHED all around the INTER-Networked forests. Many tried to 'EXCITE' the birds and animals not to forget the 'WEBCRAWLERS' (Insects) and tried to 'INFO SEEK' something about 'C'ta. Some of them even shouted 'YAA-HOO' but they all ended up with 'NOT FOUND' MESSAGES. Several other SEARCH techniques proved useless.

Ha-NEUMAN devised a RISKy TECHNOLOGY and used it to cross the seas at an astonishing CLOCK SPEED. Soon Ha-NEUMAN DOWNLOADED himself into LAN-ka. After doing some local SEARCH, Ha-NEUMAN found 'C'ta weeping under a TREE STRUCTURE.

Ha-NEUMAN used a LOGIN ID (ring) to identify himself to 'C'ta. After DECRYPTING THE KEY, 'C'ta believed in him and asked him to send a STATUS_OK MESSAGE to Ram. Meanwhile all the raakshasa BUGS around 'C'ta captured Ha-NEUMAN and tried to DELETE him using pyro-techniques. But Ha-NEUMAN managed to spread chaos by spreading the VIRUS 'Fire'. Ha-NEUMAN happily pressed ESCAPE from LAN-ka and conveyed all the STATUS MESSAGES to Ram and SU-greev.

RAW-wan decided to take the all powerful Ram head-on and prepared for the battle. One of the RAW-wan's SUN (son) almost DELETED Ram & LSI-man with a powerful brahma-astra. But Ha-NEUMAN resorted to some ACTIVE-X gradients and REBOOTED Ram and LSI-man.

Ram used the SOURCE CODE secrets of RAW-wan and once for all wiped out RAW-wan's presense on earth. After the battle, Ram got INSTALLED in I/O-dhya and spreaded his SOFTWARE WORKS and other USER FRIENDLY PROGRAMS to all USERS and every one lived happily everafter.

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Post by mr green » 17 Mar 2007

An Irishman moves into a tiny village in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.

An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more.
This happens yet again. The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times.

Soon the entire town is whispering about the "Man Who Orders Three Beers."
Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. "I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers?"

"Tis odd, is not it?" the man replies, "You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America, and the other to Australia. We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond."

The bartender and the whole town were pleased with this answer, and soon the "Man Who Orders Three Beers" became a local celebrity and source of pride to the village, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.

Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers.

The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening: he orders only two beers. The word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.

The next day, the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know-the two beers and all...."

The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, "You'll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well. It's just that I, myself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent.

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Post by arjun » 11 Jun 2007

A joke from the June Edition of Purity magazine published by the BKs:

Election campaigning was in full swing in Wonderland. Political party 'A' offered Alice, a voter, Rs.500 to vote for its candidate. Soon Party 'B' also approached Alice and offered Rs.300 for the same purpose.

On polling day, Alice cast the vote in favour of party 'B'. When a friend asked the reason, Alice retorted: "They appear to be less corrupt". :lol:

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Post by zhuk » 12 Jun 2007

One of my favourite Russian jokes ... and there are a few lol.

Vladimir Putin goes to bed one evening and Stalin appears to him in a dream. Putin asks Stalin for some help with the state of Russian economy, crime, etc ...

Stalin says:
  • "Round up and shoot every male between the age of 21 & 30 and then paint the inside of the Kremlin blue."
Putin asks:
  • "Why blue?"
Stalin retorts:
  • "I knew you would ask me about the second part first"
boom boom :P

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Post by paulkershaw » 14 Jun 2007

Just to stir things up a bit.... :P :P :P

Image

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Post by arjun » 19 Jun 2007

A joke from the June Edition of Purity magazine published by the BKs:

"Your honour", said the lawyer, "I submit that my client did not break into the house at all. He found the parlour window open, inserted his right arm and removed a few petty articles. Now my client's arm is not himself, so I fail to see how you can punish him for an offence committed by it."

"Your argument", remarked the judge, "is very well put. Following it logically, I sentence the prisoner's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not just as he chooses."

Whereupon the defendant calmly removed his cork arm and walked out.

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